1989, 12/17-19. Sparrows.
These short writings are not in and of themselves essays about life in the Church of Bible Understanding. However, some of the things I said in them, as well as the way in which they were written and the circumstances in which they were written tell much of life in COBU.
I got the idea for these meditations from Richard Wumbrand’s 100 Prison Meditations which were sermons he wrote in solitary confinement when he was in imprisoned for his faith by the Communist government in Romania. He didn’t have pencil or paper, so he composed the sermons in his mind and memorized them.
(Among the brothers and sisters in COBU, Richard Wurmbrand was a respected author and pastor. He visited COBU in earlier years, but after confronting Stewart Traill a few times, he was no longer allowed to come to visit us. This fact was hidden from us, but was one of the things I found out later, when I left the church. He always held out an invitation to Traill for fellowship, but Traill would not take him up on it. Chris B., a brother who used to be in COBU in the earlier years says that Wurmbrand said that Traill was “a powerful backslider” and that he was trembling when we tried to speak to him – this from a man who endured beatings in Communist prisons and had survived 14 years in prison and solitary confinement and who had spoken before US Senate when he was freed and came to the U.S.)
I wrote these during an intense period in the church in 1989. There was little time for anything as life consisted of being on the Christian Brothers Carpet Cleaning business schedule at all hours, the rest of the time being spent in meetings and sitting around waiting for rides. There was no time for much of anything else and certainly no time to read or study anything. So, as Richard Wurmbrand did in prison, I decided I would compose one meditation a day as I was doing my work. I then memorized the key points and went over the words many times during the day till I had memorized them and when I got home and had a few moments, I wrote them down in a blank book. It is ironic – but true – however that life in the Church of Bible Understanding was like life in a labor camp, where one worked day and night and had little time for anything else. It is ironic also that I looked to this book as a way to cope with conditions of life in a church or so-called church, in effect saying that I was like a prisoner of the church and that techniques for keeping one’s mind alive that were used by someone in prison could be used here too.
There are only 3 “meditations.” I think the treadmill of church life, the constant work and meetings wore me out and I soon left off composing them.
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December 17
The first thing I saw this morning–the first thing that really caught my interest (and in an odd sort of way, the first thing that I’ll start this little book with) – put me into a rather thoughtful mood was the chubby little sparrows that flitted and darted and landed before me on the sidewalk. I had been a little groggy till then and not really paying attention to anything, walking on my way to move a van. I suddenly thought of early December mornings when I was still a boy, on my way to school with my brothers, stepping off the curb to break the fragile ice that had formed over the puddles in the early morning cold, surprised to find the street completely dry under the ice that shattered like glass. We entertained ourselves all the way to school with this, and the same chubby little house sparrows darted around on the sidewalks, looking for something to eat, then, at the last minute as you approached, flew away into the bushes or trees, chattering loudly, waiting only as long as necessary for you to go by, then returning to the sidewalk. I don’t know why, but it is in the colder months that they seem to do this more. And, here they were, same sparrows, same frosty chill that bites the nose, on my way early in the morning to do something. When I saw the sparrows–well, I don’t know–just something that came to my mind.
Today was a routine sort of day–carpet cleaning, driving between jobs. I had a hard time keeping my mind on anything, though.
When driving, alone, I tuned into a couple of foreign language broadcasts, although for a greater part of the day, it’s hard to account for the “mental time”–that is, what I did with my mind and thoughts, except for a little bit on what I would like to write in a book–thoughts, observations, etc. But it’s hard to account for where the rest of me is during the day. It all seems so lost.
I had such a hard time keeping my mind on any basic at all that I finally just decided to stick with John 3:16, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only son, that whoever believes in him should not perish, but have eternal life.”
This is a very basic and simple, and such a commonly mentioned verse that it is almost overlooked and passed off to the side in our quest for higher knowledge. God loved us so much that he was willing to send his Son to die on the cross for us, so that we wouldn’t perish and go to hell for all eternity, but so that we could have eternal life and live with him forever.
I must keep my mind on the basics more.
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December 18
Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? And not one of them is forgotten before God. Fear not, you are of more value than many sparrows.
I have been thinking about sparrows today. What? You may say, shouldn’t you be thinking about more important things than that? Yes, but I think God was thinking about sparrows today too, because Jesus said not one of them is forgotten before God.
Here is how I got on this train of thought. While waiting for someone yesterday, I pulled the van around the corner. I stopped in front of a church and there was a poster in front of it that had an Albert Durer picture of Jesus on it and it said “Vive como él.” Live the way he did. (Or, literally, live like him.) I thought I should pray and I did. I couldn’t concentrate well though and wasn’t really saying anything, but the thought came to my mind to turn on the radio, because Family Bible Reading Fellowship would be on and I turned it on and it was. (I didn’t know it would be on.)
They were reading from 2 Samuel, one chapter, then it was over and I was wondering if I was meant to hear it or not. But I left the radio on, and a man came on and began speaking about Matthew 6 and how not a single sparrow falls to the ground without your Father’s consent. I didn’t think much of it though, and went on with the day.
This morning, when I was parking the van in front of the job, it occurred to me I should pray, but before I did I noticed a license plate frame on the back of the van in front of me. It said “You are not forgotten.” (It was about MIA’s.) But it made me think. I took it personally, as a message to me. It reminded me of the passage where Jesus spoke of the sparrows, saying “and not one of them is forgotten before God.”
So when I got upstairs, I looked up the passages on this. It seems that Our Lord spoke of this a few times and it’s about how he knows all about us and is concerned for all the details in our lives, especially the ones we get anxious about. He’s got it all under control. I was thinking I am praying to One who knows and is concerned about everything about me. I do get the feeling sometimes that God doesn’t know, or isn’t concerned about this or that. It’s quite the contrary.
So, I think that God was thinking about sparrows today. (I didn’t get the connection between this today and what I wrote yesterday until I was praying this evening, when it suddenly “clicked.”) God knows me and knows everything about me. He has not forgotten me. I am of more value than many sparrows. God was thinking about sparrows today, and I think he wants me to think about sparrows too.
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December 19
God has weaknesses. I know it’s true because the Bible tells me so. In 1 Corinthians 1:26 the Apostle Paul wrote that the foolishness of God is wiser than men and the weakness of God is stronger than men. He allowed Paul to write about them; he did not hide them. Shall I then, who was created by God, presume to act better than he is by living and acting as if I have no weaknesses? For, if I was created in his image, I must have them too.
When Paul besought the Lord three times that a physical ailment should leave him, God’s reply to him was, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” That is why Paul said, “I will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.” He was content with weakness, because “When I am weak, then I am strong.”
But, what are God’s weaknesses? Well, we can’t know all of them, but I think I know what some of them are.
In the book of Hebrews, it is written that we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God. We have not a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. He can deal gently with the ignorant and wayward, since he himself is beset with weakness.
God’s weaknesses are found in Jesus. For he had to be made like his brethren in every respect (and that includes our weaknesses), so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God, to make expiation for the sins of the people.
He had to be made like you, and me, in every respect, though without sin, in order that we could become like him in every respect, also without sin. Although I think that part may not be till the next life. Our whole lives are spent in preparation for this.
God sent his Son down to us through his Love, Mercy, and Grace in order to raise us up with him through Faith, Hope, and Love.
This then, is the weakness of God. I too will all the more gladly boast of my weaknesses, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. I will be content with them, for when I am weak, then I am strong.
