1992, 12/24-25. Brother Stewart Is Watching You.
Brother Stewart Is Watching You.
Or
How We Are Controlled: Against A Backdrop Of Conformity, Anything Different Gets Noticed.
I wrote this one night when I was sanding the wood floors at Puleo’s Restaurant in New York City. This was a job for Christian Brothers, which was one of the businesses owned by the Church of Bible Understanding. It was the night of December 24th, and I worked into the early morning hours of December 25th, 1992. I was spending my Christmas Eve, sanding a wood floor in a restaurant for the church’s wood floor business.
I was writing about how everyone in the church acts and talks the same way. This uniformity is enforced by Stewart Traill, but most church members also seem zealous to act this way. And against this backdrop of conformity, anything different gets noticed and this is a passive surveillance system that keeps people in line and under control. This system is very powerful and effective. I was slowly becoming aware of the chains that held me bound here as a prisoner and how they worked.
As I wrote, it took me a while to develop my train of thought. I had a lot on my mind about life in The Church of Bible Understanding. Writing it out helped make it clearer to myself. This was a way to bring out these thoughts and to set them down in some way.
-*-
I am now at Puleo’s. It is December 25th. It’s been a long night. I’m tired. As my thoughts begin to wander from the deadening routines of the immediate present, I begin to get philosophical and reflective about (my) life now and my past life.
I suppose I try to analyze the present by referring to the past and sifting through it for evidence and clues as to why my life is the way it is now. But I often think, even if I do hit pay dirt – that is, if I find something obviously wrong that I did or that was told to or done to me, I have no context in which to change it, nor do I have any context in which to think my thought is right. (Since everything seems to point to everything I think is wrong.) And I wonder then, what is the use in trying to understand my past? I mean, in doing that, I’m coming from the place of “let’s change it then,” now that I understand it’s wrong.
An example would be: in communist Russia, gloating over the past and pointing to obvious faults in the regime. But, so what? I can understand it, but the political and social system is just the same and I still live under the oppressive regime of the angry dictator. I am trouble to others if I open my mouth and trouble to myself for thinking such things. Also, if I am absolved from responsibility for past and present actions by virtue of not being able to change anything–now or then–why does it still bother me and why do I suffer from illusions that if I could only do something, I could fix this or that problem? I am like a man in a wheelchair who still dreams he can walk and looks back to the days when he could.
I find myself thinking I am quite incapable of making any changes.
The only redeeming factor I can find in such thinking [in trying to examine my life and my situation] is that it feels good and it is a relief somehow. Perhaps because by means of it I take leave of the immediate stultifying realities of my present life. (The routines, the emptiness, the lack of opportunity for even the smallest form of autonomous choice. I am not talking about deciding what kind of jacket to buy, or whether I will work here or there. We are always told things like, “you choose,” or, ” nobody is making you…” and, “you do whatever you want, don’t you?” !!Bull manure!! Nor am I talking about the implementation of variety or of “cool-down” activities such as fresh air and exercise, or of the lack of opportunity for self expression, the formation of relationships [of wanting a relationship with a woman in the church, which was not possible] free from the intensely defined caveats of our total institution (nothing can grow)–in general, the set in granite finality of our way of doing things. If I were to give a name to this era in our church, it might be “The Prohibition.”)
Writing this is a means of inward travel. Since by body (and person) are held quite fast…
I have a constant feeling of being under surveillance and that I must guard myself every minute. It’s not that someone is actively watching me and is assigned to monitor me. It’s just that anything out of the ordinary will be immediately noticed.
The way this works is that everybody lives and thinks and talks the same. And even though there are slight differences between people due to the persons involved and their individual habits, anything deviating from the norm, no matter how small, will stick out like a very sore thumb and it is noticed.
How it seems to me, aside from violent, disruptive deviations (on the part of me or others) in which someone blows up, yells, “gets arrogant,” walks off a job or leaves for a day, gets drunk, etc…I mean, these are noticeable deviations in any church and shouldn’t be tolerated. Except that in the case of someone blowing up, that action is deemed a behavior problem. But the source, or the issues involved are rarely dealt with. It’s only “you have no right to be arrogant,” or “your own sin is your basic problem.” True enough. But it often stops there. (No one will deal with anything usually. Possible from that set in granite thing. Something like, “You know what the rules are!”) The overall idea or main concern seems to be that order is maintained. Everything is sacrificed to that, at all costs. (Your wants and desires are secondary or even non-existent. So what you get is an outward sense of peace and cooperation that seems very real. Everything seems to function smoothly and everyone goes about their business.)
Now, what one desires above all is to avoid trouble or standing out in any way in disturbing this peaceful order. Above all, manifestation of self (whether it be self will or desire) is not to be shown. It almost seems as if that is the goal that everyone strives for and is keenly aware of and are achieving success in, if it can be maintained. Somehow they are also managing to avoid trouble and closer scrutiny of their persons and lives by so doing. It’s almost a desperate thing. It is a clearly conscious goal and effort. A holy grail. An indicator or barometer of success. A guide path, track, or beacon–or if even, I hesitate to add–an idol (?) Possibly like the verses in Isaiah (1) about how they all work together on it. But it seems to me that this comes down from the very top [that Stewart Traill makes us live this way, and that he requires it from us], so how could that be (considered wrong)?
[We are not allowed to say that Stewart can be wrong about anything, in any way. So, if our way of life comes from what Stewart requires of us, how can it be wrong? No matter how messed up it seems to be!]
It’s touted to be the right thing and method of life, the “loft life,” etc. All those meetings we had [where Stewart Traill talked to us] about the suppression and destruction of self and of this life (“self must die”). It was a teaching that was heavily pounded into us. We have a sanction and a directive to do this. Stewart never speaks of this way being wrong. He seems to approve of it, to work for it. Driving for it and is satisfied and pleased with the result. It’s what he wants. He exudes it from every pore. He means it, demands it. Don’t get in his way! He means your death, your subordination, and mortification, your obedience to it.
[One of Traill's main teachings at this time was that we must put self to death and put to death our lives in this world.]
[(1) Footnote, for the verse I was talking about above: Isaiah 44:12a “The blacksmith takes a tool and works with it in the coals; he shapes an idol with hammers, he forges it with the might of his arm.” And, Isaiah 44:17 “….From the rest he makes a god, his idol; he bows down to it and worships. He prays to it and says, “Save me; you are my god.”
It seemed everyone was working so hard to build this way of life there, which seemed to me to be a wrong way of life, but Stewart Traill, the truth speaker and great teacher was not speaking against it, but instead was promoting it and others were working hard together with him to build and maintain this way of life and to keep it going. I had a sense it was wrong, yet, I did not see Stewart speak against it. Rather I saw him coming down on anyone stepping out of line.]
A BACKDROP of CONFORMITY becomes your PRISON; a PRISON without BARS or GUARDS.
What I meant about “clearly conscious effort” is that we seem to be delighted to work hand in hand with Stewart on this. At least we’re doing this right! See, we’re doing it, please don’t be mad at us!
We participate in our own subordination and police everyone else to do the same. (Actively, or passively by a collective conformity so that any incongruity is immediately discernible. That is an incredible magnetic or centripetal force and I can really feel it. I wonder if that is a large part of that constantly under surveillance feeling I have).
Yes, really, that’s it… So, there are things I’d like to do, that are not wrong in themselves. They have no moral significance. I would like to take up running again, take a trip up the Hudson. Do artwork. Openly, without feeling I have to go into a closet and hide it. But against the backdrop of conformity, this stands out. This backdrop of conformity, which no one notices. They only notice that which is not similar, like a white circle on an otherwise completely black wall. No one especially notices the wall, because there are no details. They only see that which is different. If the wall had many colors and shapes on it, the white circle would be concealed and part of the entire pattern.
It’s also like a snare. It sits there passively, until some unsuspecting quarry steps in it. Then it’s quite active and does its job well. If the intended quarry were to see something moving and active–even attacking it–it would be scared off. As it is, the trap is effective through its passivity.)
Sure, each of these are little things. What if I did a lot of these little things, all the time? (Conspicuous consumption.) The question becomes: I see you doing these things, where are you really at? Greater issues are then touched…which one avoids through conformity. But the little things can lead to big things. (To preserve something, you must hide it…)
It works something like this (and this is also the general feeling behind the under surveillance feeling): someone would question you on your innocent little activity. Is it right? Should you be doing it? (Or, what if everybody did that? Or, what if everybody did whatever they wanted?) So then, you are asked, you are saying by your example that everyone can do whatever they want? You are promoting chaos–so an issue comes up. Let’s get to the heart of it: you are attacking the church and all that it stands for! (And thereby attacking God, the truth, and Christian faith if anybody tries to take it that far on you, and another ax is always waiting and not many–no one really–is too willing to push for anything because of it. It’s better to conform. Ahead of time.)
[What I was getting at here is that if you are doing any kind of personal interest or hobby, anything really that is not the church agenda for the use of your time and life, and you are called on it, the line of argumentation used against you (when you say it's just a little thing, why does it matter) is that, what if everyone did whatever they wanted to do (in the church)? We were always in a crisis mode it seemed, and we were always to be at our posts, working hard for the church, or for Traill, really. As far as our own interests, we were to be destroying them and "putting to death our lives in this world."]
That’s really what it is, or what it’s heading toward and will turn into! It’s OK if no one bothers you about your little activity, but if someone does and you justify it and give reasons for it. Or really, if you persist and decide to do it anyway if it has gotten to the point of anyone telling you to put an end to it, now you’re in trouble. There are never any intermediate issues. It’s all or nothing. Either it’s not an issue, or you are attacking the church by the very roots. At the risk of sounding ridiculous–your decision to jog has cosmic significance, or your decision to do it if you’re told not to. That’s the issue that will be brought up. It’s not the thing [itself]. It’s your refusal to comply. (You’re a gameplayer for trying to get them into the circumstance.) This is where the ante skyrockets. Are you willing to risk all for the sake of some activity, for the preservation of some corner of self? (Now that it has been discerned.)
[In other words, it's not the fact that you want to go jogging, it's the fact that you have been told not to and you are still doing it anyway. Jogging then is not the issue now, it is your disobedience to the "body of Christ" as represented by the other church members, and this is ultimately disobedience toward God, and those who disobey are rebels, and now your little activity has taken on cosmic, eternal consequences and this is how and what you will be talked to about. If you say the issue they are talking to you about is jogging, you will be considered to be getting them into diversions and side issues, when really, the disobedience of the flesh and rebellion against God is the issue. This way of dealing with things made it impossible to talk to anyone about any personal issues, needs or wants, whether it was about small personal interests or any significant problem or issue in one's life. It was better to just tow the party line, in advance, because this is what you would be brought back to anyway.]
This is how and where you are bagged! Everything is tied into that. I wish I could explain it better. Your signed, sealed, and delivered–already.
I’ll try to narrow it down. It’s not the thing that you want, in and of itself. It’s what you are up against, and you’re certainly not going to risk all in order to get that thing. They know that. They can parlay this little “don’t do that” into a big “or else,” instantly. Suddenly, it’s sky high, and over this issue you’re pushed into the slot of being an enemy of all righteousness if you resist. It is a monumental and mind staggering charge [that they are accusing you of] and you are set up in such a way that you can’t talk about or explain your way out of it. There is only one way of escape set before you in this method of leverage and that is: your compliance; giving in and obeying. (Are you obeying God or man though?) It’s set up so that compliance is the only (face saving) way out. Because of all the other pressures brought to bear on you that you never thought of or even intended. (I didn’t intend to be an enemy of all righteousness by doing so and so!)
You are not allowed to talk about that thing itself as an explanation. Like it or not, you are cowed and cornered on making a decision according to these terms and according to only two clear choices now.
(Footnote: two choices that are now totally divorced from the original issue, (distilled and set aside as new grounds and you wonder how you ever got into this). In spite of that though, you better not dare do the thing again and try to say the thing itself isn’t the issue!)
In fact, your very disagreement or fighting over it is doubled back on you as a further charge of your recalcitrance–further strengthening their position, or further undermining your attempt to maintain your own position built on silly human rationalizations for what you want.
Like I said, it is quickly exploded into a matter of eternal significance in such a way that it will now be seen whether you stand on the side of truth or darkness! Not only on this issue now–it’s you, your whole life. This is another way in which a seemingly insignificant thing in itself is suddenly exploded into monstrous proportions. It’s multiplied, endlessly doubled back on itself, like suddenly seeing your image in a hall of mirrors. You’re caught by a handle but you don’t quite know how. This is an attempt to explain it.
(Footnote: each time you are backed into a corner and each time you struggle, you are also backed into a corner–because of the terms it’s put over to you on, in part, that resistance is wrong in itself. Then there’s that way of escape set before you–conformity. Possibly also a third way the force multiplies on you is that you will now be seen as resisting a good thing. (Resisting love–a way of escape lovingly presented.) You perverse thing! “Seen as”–I am not mentioning here how the other people present play a significant role. It couldn’t be done without that.
If you were one on one with Stewart on the phone, you still know he’d tell you to go speak to everyone. Of course, since they know he told you to do that, they also know to carry out his orders which you will describe to them because it’s mentioned or dealt with in the question(s) you are sent to ask them. It will look like they are “discussing” and “freely considering,” but they know they must obey orders.)
It’s not surprising what course you’ll decide–it’s just too much. You won’t even decide to say you disagree later (another way it doubles back–that’s another sign of…) You are not willing to gamble everything. Even if you didn’t give in immediately, you would be put on a three day thing [*] –or however long it takes. You just are not able to buck that current. [A three day watch, or probation period, in which to conform to the opinion being forced on you or be told to leave.]
Also, since you were looking for relief in the thing you did, you are not willing to be thrown out and get a big discomfort that would far outweigh your little consolation you get in your autonomous activity–even if you did it out there. The threat of banishment reigns supreme over men’s hearts and minds. At least mine anyway.
I am a prisoner of compulsion and not conviction.
Of course, this is where I think that I am a coward. But you think of the battle and you really don’t want to do it again. I’ve been through that.
As it is, I try to design and pursue all my little autonomous activities when and where they can’t be seen. Many of them are intangibles that have no physical attributes, like thinking of certain things or learning things or following certain issues in current events, where you can know about it and follow it without possessing anything or be seen doing anything out of the ordinary, such as reading the newspaper. Almost everyone reads the paper, so it’s inconspicuous (and doesn’t stand out as different). But no one sees my eyes anxiously flit over the business section looking for an article on railroads or sees that I follow issues relating to Japan, Germany, the Common Market, and many other things.
Of course, no one would probably be bothered about such a thing, but the agreement is–don’t let me see you doing it. Nobody is supposed to be into anything–especially if it reaches a level of affectation. (But then, how does anyone really learn anything without an affinity, affection and desire for the thing itself or for what that thing can bring you. Desire and attraction and interest facilitate learning and the rapid assimilation of otherwise boring information and an eagerness to try it out and make it work. The same kind of attempt to learn facts and figures in a subject outside your realm of attraction can be extremely difficult, if not impossible to both learn and do.)
Other activities, of course, that do have tangible attributes or require time and certain objects and possessions–these I try, usually without a huge degree of success to weave into my daily pattern. Sometimes I try to run. Or, I’ll find a closet or wait till I’m alone guarding to try a little artwork.
It’s essential that you don’t look like you’re enjoying anything. That’s why it’s harder to jog or go someplace. But you could be greatly enjoying a book, but that looks rather dull to the observer, since he doesn’t see your thoughts. He only sees you sitting there with a book.
To wrap it up, you must portray yourself as not really into things. Nothing–short of a temper tantrum–is surer to raise hackles than that.
Individuality, Choice, Autonomy in things human and divine.
I like walking for exercise. I try to fold it into my daily routine, but I suppose that if it became known that I get up early to walk into work over the Brooklyn Bridge–well, maybe that would cause a disturbance. We’re not here for a country club. All must suffer patiently…
The thing of not suffering. This is where you are flying in the face of the order and attacking the roots of the church. I think this is what it is that raises ire… [Part of our "suffering," according to Traill, was that we were to be giving up our lives in this world and "not living out the things that seem to be there," such as our desires, yearnings, talents and ambitions.]
END
