1993, 09/02. First Letter From the Outside.

This is the first letter I wrote after leaving The Church of Bible Understanding.

September 2, 1993

Dear Mom,

This is my first letter to you since I left.  Right now I am in Bethlehem, PA at Chris’s parents’ house.  We came out here because Chris wanted to pick up a Jeep at a repair shop here.  We will both drive back separately.  I am sitting on a nice back patio.  I haven’t been in a setting like this for a long time.

I don’t know if I will have much to write to you about.  Not because there isn’t anything to write, but it’s because I have now come out of a highly organized environment which I understood very well to one that is a whole lot less highly structured.  Not that I don’t understand this one.  It’s more like, I don’t feel compelled to write about how bad it is like before, nor am I trying to figure when, how, or why to get out as before.

Actually, things are pretty good.  I still have to get my feet on the ground financially.  (Chris and Dave are letting me stay for next to nothing and supplying me with work.  They understand the situation.)  I am apprehensive about this, but I understand that with solid hard work, I will have no problem.  It’s just that I haven’t gotten there yet.  That’s all.  I do have the sense that if I blow it, there’s a chance that I could end up back at the “fellowship.”  But I am determined never to go there again.

I have been going to Times Square Church.  It is pretty good there.  For one thing–by way of contrasts, comparing this with COBU–there are all kinds of people there.  Sixty nationalities.  Everything from businessmen to bums.  We only could attract street people, the most damaged types, those who wouldn’t notice a real religion if they saw one–although some were pretty sharp and knew right away.  (A good percentage of homeless people only recently got that way.  I know quite a few that had houses, families and good jobs until they got into drugs.  Then it was a long way down.  They lost everything and were living in abandoned buildings.  So, these people were not stupid.  I say this because of their former lives, but also because they had to be pretty sharp to survive the way they did too.)

[I was talking about all the homeless people I met in COBU.  These are the people we “swept up” and offered so-called Christian training to, although the real purpose was to recruit workers for the church from a segment of society who might be willing to accept this exploitation of themselves in return for “three hots and a cot.”  At that time, I did not think of it that way, as I still believed in the avowed purpose of the church, which was to “ got out into the highways and the byways and invite the homeless poor into your house.”  And that we did, albeit for a different purpose than for the Gospel of Jesus Christ and for their benefit.  I got to know a lot of these people and it helped to dispel stereotypes I held about homeless people up until that time.]

Times Square Church is in a magnificent old theatre, so the setting is quite different.  Obviously also the place is kept clean.  We just about had become like the homeless ourselves.

Last time I was in Times Square Church, I used a headset to listen to the simultaneous translation they provide.  They have people translating into five or six languages.  This is just one of the many services they provide for people there.  They have programs for all sorts of people.  A lot of outreach and missionary work.  In the lobby they have tables for the Jewish and Moslem outreach.  Myself, I am just relaxing.  I don’t want to dive into anything right now.  I don’t want to occupy myself with a lot of “church work” instead of finding Jesus.  First things first, anyway.  A lot of this looks interesting.  Back at COBU all these programs would be, I am sure, roundly mocked as just glitter and busy work.  But from what I see, the place is alive and has something real to offer people.   They have a choir that sings a lot of praise music–which, by the way, I just sit through and watch.  Though most everyone else is singing, waving their arms, some are shouting, others look very absorbed.  If this seems too much for me, I just look around and remind myself that these people would never be able to come to that dead religious organization that I have belonged to for so long, nor would they want to.

And, in contrast also, there are about five or six pastors.  There are three main ones also.  David Wilkerson, his brother Don, and Bob Phillips, who I can already see from the way he speaks, is very good at explaining the Bible and getting his point across.  But the main thing I see here is a group of pastors.  Which means they talk together.  If one starts to get a little off course, this means the others will help him back to the truth.  Of course, I don’t know the inside story.  I am new here.  But you see them sitting together, talking.  You can see a fellowship there.  They seem unafraid of admitting their faults, even mentioning in sermons things they had thought they were doing right, till God showed them.  This has, I have noticed, an effect on the rest of the congregation, getting everyone else in the church to be more open about their own faults and more willing to correct them.  Stewart would never admit to anything and nobody could say anything about what was obviously wrong.  (There is a Romanian woman here who told me that place sounds just like where she came from–communism!)

[I would like to say something about David Wilkerson and the idea that there is a fellowship of pastors here that helps keep one another in check and avoiding extremes.  Within a year, there was to be a falling out between David Wilkerson and his brother Don and Bob Phillips.  The latter two tried to talk to David Wilkerson about some extremes in teaching and behavior, which he would not accept, and soon, there was a church split.  I attended a few meetings that Don Wilkerson and Bob Phillips held with the faction of the church that defected (or in some cases fired from their positions) with them.  Part of their efforts were centered in reasurring and comforting those present that they were not going to hell because they were no longer part of David Wilkerson’s church.  It seemed that Wilkerson told them they were in rebellion and headed for hell.  All they had done was merely bring to his attention that a woman he had hired to be administrator over a homeless shelter for women called Hannah House was controlling and abusive.  He saw his choice of this woman as a divine appointment, therefore all who raised questions about her were in rebellion against God (as demonstrated by their "opposition" to this God-appointed woman).  Rather than address their concerns, he categorically labeled them as “ in rebellion.”  He summarily fired the choir director, Gwen W., over this.  I met her many years later at a worship conference.  I asked her if she had been in Times Square Church.  She denied that she had ever been there.  The abuse she had been put through caused her to utterly deny any history with that church.  When I attended those ex-member meetings (mentioned previously) I could only feel for the people and think, “been there, done that.”  It helped me also, because I knew they were not going to hell for no longer being in David Wilkerson’s church and for having questioned a few things.  I realized too, that neither was I going to hell for not believing or obeying Stewart Traill. It’s too bad really, because Wilkerson wrote that great book, The Cross and the Switchblade and has done such great work with Teen Challenge.  Wilkerson began preaching sermons on gossip at this time.  I began to realize the purpose behind this.  If any church members were discussing privately what they thought was going on with him and the mysterious disappearance of long term church members, this was labeled gossip.  But, there could only be “gossip” because all people could do is speculate on what was going on behind closed doors.  Here again, we see the use of sermons and Bible teachings to manipulate people and keep them in line through use of fear of judgement.]

I have found out also that the elders at Times Square Church have tried to contact Stewart and that he won’t talk to them.  (Another piece of information we never heard.  Only certain types of information got passed around, that which was useful in keeping the machine running.  Everything else was strictly hidden and censored.  And we knew we shouldn’t talk.  This was how we shortchanged ourselves, sort of helping ourselves to stay in chains.)

This piece of information helps things to fall in place.  I talk to a lot of the “ex-members” here.  And of course “ex-members” always “complain.”  In other words, I will still have trouble believing other people whose stories are just like mine.  This, though, comes from an entirely different angle.  They tried to call Stewart.  He doesn’t return the calls.  Why not?  (Is it that the secretarial staff doesn’t relay the messages, because they too know what is proper and what isn’t, as far as what the “boss” wants to hear?  This is possible, but I think it’s a whole lot deeper.)   I think I know why he doesn’t want any outside contact.  It’s all just too bad, isn’t it?  Too bad it has to be this way.

It seems Stewart has a lot to hide.  There are rumors in the “grist mill”–rumors that go around about sexual misconduct.  (Which I have always wondered about.)  There is a specific incident and person named. (There are other kinds of rumors too.)  Now, this is just a rumor.  But, I have been listening to and “collecting” these rumors, because they are instructive nonetheless.  And though it is a rumor, there is one thing I realize about it, about what is true.  You see, it is true that it is a rumor.   A rumor that is circulating.  Why are there rumors?  There are rumors when there are closed doors.  There are rumors wherever people know that a lot of secrets exist, secrets that are not told.  Even if rumors aren’t true, they are a symptom of such closed systems.  And it is that closed system that is the real unhealthy thing.

Pastor Bob Phillips got together a few times with thirty or forty ex-COBU people for a talk.  He told them they were under a ministry of heavy condemnation.  That there was truth mixed with error, which made it difficult, including making leaving difficult.  If it was just the Moonies, we could have just walked out with little problem.  But there was some real Christian truth there.  (Though I think in highly distorted form.)  These meetings may have been taped.  I have to get these tapes.

I’ll have you know again, something about the selective circulation of information at COBU.  The only thing I ever heard similar to the above was that Wilkerson had noticed this faction of ex-COBU people in his church and said they seem to have a grudge and they ought to settle whatever it was that was wrong instead of going around talking about it (or something like that).  Maybe he did say that.  But if anybody back at COBU heard about the meeting with Bob Phillips, they would just shrug it off as typical nonsense and certainly not pass the story on!  But the other story would fit the bill just fine and find its way through the informal information network which also conveys the rest of the highly biased picture of what happens to people who leave here.  And I must say I was a victim of that biased picture, though I struggled to get out of it.  But it had and still has its effect on me.

Chris also has told me more about David Wilkerson’s response to my letter.  He was writing a reply to me, but the Holy Spirit stopped him and said he should refer this to the other former COBU members.  (I got a little worried about that.  Maybe it’s true then that we are all deceivers and God wants to spare him involvement with us.  You know, let the dead bury their own dead.  Let them take care of themselves.  This can cut both ways.  Other COBU members can understand what is best, plus Mr. Wilkerson can’t do all the pastoral work.  It’s good to delegate to those who are most competent in whatever area.  But when I heard that, something like an arrow went through my heart.)

So, Mr. Wilkerson may be giving my letter to Chris.  Possibly also his reply.  But Chris has also told me David Wilkerson may want to talk with me.

(At this point I, asked Chris, who is here on the patio, about this.  He said they really like the ex-COBU people over there.  They want some of them for ministerial positions and they are very selective about who they chose.  Richard Wurmbrand meets various ex-COBU members all over the country.  They are valued by other churches.  Someone I used to sell carpets with, Bill P., is now doing missionary work in Romania, with blessing and financial support of the church.  So, there are a lot of misconceptions I have to clear up.  I don’t have it all figured out to the extent that I thought I did.)

This is about the end of the letter; I am running out of paper.  The other side of these pages is from the forward of a book by R. Wurmbrand that I was given to read.  I thought you might want to look at it too.  We have been watching some video tapes of Mr. Wurmbrand speaking.  He will probably come and speak at Times Square Church in October.  This also means he will stay either with us here or in a house in NJ owned by sisters who used to be in COBU.  I would like to meet him personally, though I don’t know what I would say to him.  This is OK since he is very approachable and will talk to you and ask questions anyway.  Dave used to go for a walk with him every morning.  Maybe you could be up at that time too?  I mean, if you’re planning to come up anyway, to see Uncle Harry (and me).  Possibly you could stay a night or two with these sisters as well.  Perhaps I can arrange for that.  I would like to see you–at this time, or whenever.   It’s so much easier now that I’m out.  I would have never wanted you to come to where I was before.  Now I am free to travel with you, talk, see you for as long as I would like.  The people I am with are a lot better, much friendlier and accommodating.  I would never have invited you to a COBU meeting.  But I think you’d like a service at Times Square Church.  I think you’d like the music too.  Now I can start working on the rest of the family in a real way, though I will pray first, rather than devise my own agenda.

With love,

James.